Pimple talk

I went around doing my usual Sunday stuff with a big pimple on my nose. Yeah, it's its favorite place to make an appearance and I sometimes think it always feels proud to be red and prominent. The diva!

Of course, I got the usual "uy, in love!" or "sino naman yan?" Frankly, if there is one, there's no way he'll be named Pimple.

As it turned out though, the pimple gave way to a talk with a friend who's on the verge of falling.

Asked about what she's going to do about it, she gave a litany of why she doesn't really dwell on it now: the other person is still recovering from a breakup, there's a consideration about family, the other person may not be ready, and they are friends, yadda yadda yadda.

But asked about her state on this matter, she got stumped. It did make me think that when we think of another person so much, we sometimes forget that it is good to start with the self first when you want to have a relationship with someone.

Kind of self-absorbed one may say. But then again, when you don't really know who and what you are when you think you are already on the verge of falling, how will you know if you fall standing up or with your ass flat on the ground?

Unromantic? Maybe. But who said that love should be a free fall?

When you are on the precipice of love, I think it is worthwhile to stop for a while and ponder on what you got so far before taking the plunge. Therein lies what you got to offer to the relationship. The rest are still promises. Who knows, maybe you'll come up with an even better you before making the move.

And when you finally give in, at least you'll know what you are giving. Pimple and all.

Prodigal blogger

It is not because there is a new president installed that I am blogging again.

Though of course there are already a number of things I could blog about him. While this is still supposed to be a honeymoon period, it does not mean that one cannot already form an opinion on what he does, what he says and where he may be leading us. Even in honeymoons, the foreplay is still an indicator of how the climax will be like.

It is also not because of any life-changing experience or any epiphany of sorts that I am having a new post.

I am still an OFW working in a job I enjoy doing. Still an activist taking on issues from the overpriced e-passport to the exclusion of foreign domestic workers in the statutory minimum wage that is soon to be finalized in Hong Kong. Still marching. Still struggling.

It is also not because I am having an emotional
moment that I again am writing.

While indeed there have been a couple of them in the past months, none has been heart-wrenching enough that a major laugh trip could not jumpstart the moving on process. Besides, a moment is supposed to last only for a moment.

So why am I blogging?

Maybe because I got some more moments to process and the recent laugh trips have not been major enough. Or because an activist's work is never really done and there is a host of OFW concerns – old, new and mutated ones – I do care to write about. Or because the new president is yet to banish the nightmares induced by GMA and really work on the dreams he built his campaign on.

Or maybe simply, I am blogging because it is 4 o'clock in the morning, there's a steaming mug of coffee on my desk, and a fresh pack of cigarettes is just too inviting.

Simply nasty

I wanted to sleep early tonight but a most bothering FB message from a friend, prompted me to write this short note.

For the context: http://the-chronicles-of-e.blogspot.com/2010/03/cyber-bullying-at-its-best.html

Even if E didn't turn out to be a friend, the sheer nastiness of what was done to his person was spiteful, malicious and downright mean.

I may not agree with E on some scores – we still have a pending discussion about the Marcoses and Mike Defensor – but on this matter, I am with him.

To the one who did the unthinkable, reflect on how out of bounds you were.

While you're at it, reflect on how you made me lose some of the sleeping time I needed.

Maybe, just maybe, you'll lose some of yours too.

When is the right time to say you like someone?

I posted the question a few days back in my FB and sure enough, different folks have different strokes.

Kiks: kapag nilaglag ka.

Mandaya Moore: kapag nawawala na gana mo sa kanya pwede rin kapag inunahan ka nya. segurista.

LA: Pag offline ka na.

SB: Pag di mo na natiis...or baka pag feeling mo mauunahan ka.

PT: Paglasing na lang para you can deny everything the following morning.

RC: Basta sabihin mo na lang. sigurado namang sasagot iyon. alinman sa dalawa gusto rin o ayaw.

MdG: kung ako ang nasabihan ng ganyan i would expect that the person who said it is also expecting an answer: yes, no, maybe, in what way, or can i phone a friend? etchos.

EB: right away...it worked for me

MMA: While the two of you are laughing after someone cracks a really good joke?

OBB: pag ngayon mo lang nakita o nakilala, huwag muna. Nagpapacute lang siya sa iyo. Pero kung matagal mo ng nakilala.... hindi ka dapat nag-aaksaya ng panahon.

So how do I say it's the right time for me?
When I am sure of it and when I am prepared to follow through or suffer the consequences.
Probably next week. Or not.

Hindi sa sawa na akong mag-blog

Dahil lang siguro sobrang hectic ang nakaraang mga buwan - byahe sa mga bansang hindi pa napupuntahan, byahe sa mga karanasang hindi ko pa napagdaanan. Hindi talaga totoo na only the destination counts. Pwede ka ring bumilang during the trip. Two-way.

Marahil din ay dahil nagkasama-sama ulit kaming pamilya pagkatapos ng walong taon na pagkahiwa-hiwalay. I don't really have to look far to know about the Filipino diaspora. Nasa Cabuyao lang sya.

Pwede rin naman na dahil palaging nariyan ang mga gawaing hindi maiwan.

Siguro din ay may mga bagay lang akong pinagmu-munian. At mga pangyayari na nilalampasan. I like to think that I will come out of them unscathed. Para lang one-night stand.

Pero kahit hindi ka nasugatan, mayroon ka pa ring pag-iisipan.

Para ngang one-night stand.

Araw ng Patay

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko pa rin alam ang distinction between Halloween, All Soul's Day at All Saint's Day. I-google ko na lang siguro mamaya.

Basta ang alam ko eh Araw ng Patay ang November 1.

Noong bata pa ako, excited ako kapag Araw ng Patay. Hindi dahil ako ay morbid kundi dahil bata pa ako.

Tingin ko, ginagawa talaga ng matatanda na something to look forward to ang November 1 para sa mga bata. Sino ba naman kasing bata ang makaka-appreciate at hindi matatakot kapag sinabi mong may araw ang mga patay?

Reunion ng mga magkakaanak ang Araw ng Patay, minus the namatay syempre. Picnic ang kinakakalabasan complete with latag sa ibabaw ng nitso ng kung anu-anong mga pagkain. Kwentuhan ang mga matatanda na ironically ay hindi ng tungkol sa binisitang patay (kahit araw nya, in the first place) habang naghahabulan sa sementeryo ang mga bata. Madalas, nagpapaligsahan pa kaming magpi-pinsan sa paggawa ng pinakamalaking bola mula sa tinipong candlewax na iba't iba pa ang kulay. Bantay talaga sa natutunaw na mga kandila habang akala mo ay seryosong binibigyang pugay ang nitso sa harapan.

Mas masaya actually ang gabi ng October 31 o gabi ng November 1. Totoo na walang trick or treat sa amin noon complete with costumes pero merong caroling. Pilit kong inaalala ang kinakanta namin noon pero hindi ko na mabuo. Heto lang ang mga parts na tanda ko:

"Kaluluwa'y dumadatal, sa tapat ng durungawan

Kampanilya'y something-something, ginigising ang maybahay

Maybahay pong inang ibig

La-la-la-la, higit sa langit

Araw-gabi ay tahimik, chika-chika nyong malapit

Kung kami po'y lilimusan, dali-dali na pong bigyan

At baka kami'y masarhan ng pinto ng kalangitan.

Palimos po!"

Yan ang kinakanta namin kapalit ng piso o singkwenta sentimos. Understood na namin na pag Pasko lang malaki ang kita sa caroling.

Sayang, kung may ganito rin sanang practice sa Hong Kong, mas malaki ang kita ng mga bata dahil dalawa ang Araw ng Patay dito. Isa para sa lalake at isa para sa babae.

I know! Paano tayo?

X Problem

Actually, wala naman talagang problema.

Dahil naniniwala naman akong pwedeng maging magkaibigan ang mag-ex. Though you also have to consider din the manner of the breakup. Kung halimbawa eh may breach of trust. Mahirap din naman i-kunsidera na kaibigan ang isang tao na hindi mo pinagkakatiwalaan. Kahit pa nga hindi absoluto ang pagtitiwala, friends are ones you trust more than, for example, the man you met at the bar last night.

Wala naman kaming pinag-awayang matindi kaya kami nagkahiwalay. Like many immature relationships, we just drifted apart. Sana man lang may big fight o may dramang naganap para kahit paano eh masabi kong nahinog ang relasyon. Nahinog tapos nabulok, ganun.

Pero wala eh. Iba ang dinaanan nya at iba rin ang dinaanan ko. Unfortunately, never did the twain meet.

Wala naman sana talagang problema dahil we've both aged. At gracefully ha sa kaso nya kung picture ang pag-uusapan. Pero syempre lampas pa dun, I'd like to think that we've matured mentally and emotionally.

Wala naman sana talagang problema dahil kumportable naman ako sa sarili ko at mukhang masaya din naman sya sa buhay nya.

Wala naman sana talagang problema na i-add ko sya as friend sa facebook.

Madali sanang gawin. Kung bakla lang sana sya.

Blocked

I just spent the best part of the past six hours wracking my brain to come out with a decent write-up about wage and foreign domestic helpers. I failed.

It's irritating to say the least and worrisome at most when – as you seem to think – you have the analysis, the language and the outline but you still cannot put them into words that'll make sense and better yet, gather support for the cause of domestic workers in Hong Kong.

So what did I do today? Stared blankly at my computer screen, wrote sentences, deleted sentences, answered phone calls, dipped into other people's affairs, smoked, drank coffee and yeah, slacked. Probably the most productive things I did were to take the minutes of a meeting and finalize the title of what I was supposed to be writing.

I need to do better. If I don't, then these will probably happen:

• My list of things-to-do will only get longer
  
• I will not be able to go to Volume
  
• I'll gain more weight
  
• I will get cranky and ill-tempered and probably lose my Ms. Congeniality title
  
• "@work" will be constantly plastered on my YM and only the most daring of my friends will send me a message
  
• I will miss another week of Tayong Dalawa
  

Disastrous.

All because of a freakin' FAQ. FA-Q!

Some endings

Spoiler alert!

***

It's the end of the road for the ex-prisoners of Fox River after running from seemingly endless enemies and unfortunate events. Honestly, I found the whole Scylla storyline (though it was the core of the whole thing) quite dragging and even the twist of the long-lost mother's appearance was a wee bit of a stretch. The first season was still Prison Break's best and I guess it was the one that got me hooked on the show and I just had to follow it through to the end.

If you're a sucker for happy endings, don't watch the last five minutes of its finale.

***

Another day has gone for Jack Bauer of 24. The twist on the life of Tony Almeida was not really that good after having watched his character in previous seasons.

I watch the show for its fast-paced story and the latest season did what was expected. However, if Jack pulls through again from where the script left him – in bed dying – he's really one lucky bastard.

***

Grey's Anatomy has always been one of my favorites. The characters are just so diverse and they always have their own stories to tell. I guess it's what makes it interesting for at the end of each season, you don't only ask what will happen to Meredith Grey but to the whole bunch of Seattle Grace's doctors.

Meredith and Derek appear to be settling down, Cristina has the hottie Dr. Hunt, McSteamy has mellowed down with Little Grey and Dr. Bailey has again shown where to hurt her most: her family.

Meanwhile, Alex Karev's character got more action in the latest season and he showed what he got (too bad, there was not much shirt off scenes of him).

As for George and Izzie, what will happen to them is the biggest question for the next season. Who's gonna die? For me, I love George but for chrissake, can't he play gay next time?

***

I will just echo what many fans have written of Brothers and Sisters' season finale: what the f*ck was that?

***

I am not much into endings because it's tiring to grapple with the question of when you'll really end something.

?

Snobbish-looking, yuppie, pierced, and with an office ID hanging around his neck. Probably just came out of the office and wasting time off before heading home, so I thought.

He went around the crowd, said hi to a few guys and bantered with some more. Another guy, obviously into him, monopolized him for a while. Probably a habitué, so I guessed.

He asked for a cocktail and beer that he drank alternately. Fascinating and a bit weird, so I mused.

I went back to nurse my beer.

Then for reasons I could not remember, probably the increasing crowd, he was right there standing right beside me – still looking aloof, still dressed like a yuppie, still with that ID around his neck, still with a glass of cocktail and a bottle of beer in his hands, pierced and (I noticed) tattooed.

And we talked.

He was not a snob. He was just on his way to work. He only knew the guys by their faces. He had only been there a couple of times. The other guy had been stalking him for two hours already, and yeah, his drinks combo was a bit weird but it somehow kept him from getting sloshed.

So much for probabilities.

We talked, got closer, talked, held hands, talked, got closer and ….

"What's the point of being in a relationship if you can't be physically together?"

So much for possibilities.

Though I don't want to think about it anymore, I sometimes do wonder if I got it wrong. Again.

What happens in Manila, (unfortunately) stays in Manila

"So anong plano mo pag-uwi?"

"Wala. Since I'm definitely coming back here, I'm not planning to do things that I may regret."

Yan ang sinabi ko kay Kiks bago ako umuwi. I planned to be on a break and when I said break, it was really more of not thinking of things that should be done but just playing it by the ear and do what takes my fancies.

Most of the time, I was with my family and relatives. Tumigil ako sa bahay, inikot ang mga kamag-anak, nakinig ng radyo, nakipag-agawan sa mga pamangkin over the internet, nag-isaw, nag-halo-halo at naglaro ng PSP hanggang madaling-araw. Umuwi rin ako sa Batangas, naki-pyesta, nakipag-inuman sa mga tiyuhin at nakipag-diskusyon kung ano ba ang corruption at kung bakit ayaw ko kay GMA - habang masama ang titig ng mga bisitang pulis.

Naki-Mayo Uno rin ako syempre. Pagkatapos ng halos sampung taon, naka-martsa ulit mula uste hanggang LB at mula LB hanggang emba. Sa haba ng lakad na yun, nakipag-reunion na rin sa mga kasama nung bata pa. Nakita ang mga may-asawa, ang mga wala pa, at ang mga nagladlad na. To cap that day, I went to a free concert nina Lolita Carbon, The Jerks, at iba pa.

In between family and politics, I did go out.

Then I met Zeke.

And I thought of what I told Kiks.

How to lose your social life in 10 hours

You woke up feeling refreshed after a relatively good sleep. Good because your mind was not filled with what should be done the next day for everything has been set in motion.

The evening, you thought, would be quite easy for your usual schedule has changed and you could probably swing by the bar and meet your friends for drinks.

Then your morning workload hit. You held your plans at bay and put your mind on the job at hand. Like a predator zooming in on a prey and thinking about how you could bring it down the fastest and easiest way. You wouldn't want to be too tired to enjoy your feast later.

Lunch time came and you set off for your favorite Nepali restaurant. Good food, good price and a place to have an easy conversation over a can of Coke and a stick of cigarette.

You went back to the office to do the remaining stuff in your list simply marked as TTD. The hours ticked.

Then Chip Tsao apologized. And you found it wanting.

Sorry but I'm just misunderstood. Sorry but English is an international language open to interpretation. Sorry but it was really a satire. Sorry but it was fictional. Sorry but it was not my intention. Sorry but blah, blah blah.

Why couldn't it be just 'sorry I was wrong'?

You realized you got to do more against racism and class discrimination.

Thus, you stayed in the office until 1:00 am. Then you remembered that April Fool's Day just passed you by.

Pasakalye

Maraming pwedeng mangyari sa loob ng isang buwan. Maari nang tirhan ng alien molds ang naiwang kape at mag-amoy ipis ang hindi sinindihang yosi.

Pwede ka ring magka-crush, lumipas ang crush, magka-crush ulit sa dating crush hanggang dumating sa punto na sobrang diluted and nonsensical na ang salitang ito and it has become similar to saying "I love you" while you are reaching the peak in a one-night stand. Or a one-hour stand.

Sa loob ng isang buwan, pwede ka ring mawalan ng ganang mag-bate: mag-bate ng mga topics, pigain ang sarili at write them into a piece that can make sense of your jumbled thoughts. It's much easier to write about women's day, the murder of Rebelyn and even the irresponsible charge that Filipinos are 'Superbug' carriers than compose your thoughts on what you have done for the day.

Kaya marami kang unfinished drafts na pinaglipasan na ng lasa kaya ayaw mo ng tapusin. Pwede ka ng magpa-gimik ng choose your own ending.

Pwede ka ring maka-byahe sa loob ng isang buwan. You will like the place. It's serene, has no high-rise, walang nakakabaliw na traffic at maraming nakakabaliw na lalaki. Then you'll realize that it is more artificial than Hong Kong especially when you hear of the crackdown against Burmese migrants or the gay-bashing of a group of thugs during Gay Pride that did not even solicit a reaction from the powers that be. Doon, tago at ibinubulong ang mga bagay na dapat ay pinag-uusapan in the open at isinisigaw sa lansangan para malaman ng lahat.

Also, mare-realize mo rin na malagkit ang magpa-aromatherapy massage especially kapag hindi lang langis ang naipahid sa'yo..

In a month, you'll realize that you have only one more month to go before you can again take the jeepney.

Pagkatapos din ng isang buwan, pwede ka na ulit mag-timpla ng kape sa bagong mug at magsindi ng bagong yosi.

Then you'll realize na masarap pa rin ang mag-blog.

Singular sensation*

Recently, I've been having thoughts about being single. I don't know why but maybe, just maybe, it's because I am.

Or maybe it's because every time I talk to a family member, any one of them is bound to ask me if I have "someone" in my life. Then, I'm always bound to say, "I don't have a someone. I have many-ones."

Or maybe it's because of a botched meet up with A.

Or maybe guys and relationships are the usual topics I have with my gay friends. I don't mind.

Maybe that's it. I don't mind being single. You can't miss something you never had, eh?

I know what it's like to be in a relationship. Having been around with people in various stages and types of romantic relationships has given me a fair picture of what's it like. Yeah, some may disagree and say that to really know one is to be in one. I do concur but it does not debunk what I so far understand about relationships. It is the same as I don't have to be a woman to understand the basics of women's concerns.

Being in a relationship has its ups and downs. There are high moments and low ones. It's a life bound by the same economic, political, social and cultural conditions, blah blah blah. Just like being single.

I do believe that everyone has to have someone with them. But it is not necessarily with a romantic someone.

I am single but I am not alone. I've never felt alone and it's probably due to the constant presence of comrades, family and friends. It's a belongingness that works for me now.

I don't mean to say that I'll be single for life. Romance is not known to be ageist. And yeah, I will take THAT step sometime, somehow.

As matters stand now though, I am happy being single. Anyway, who says that happiness cannot be had single-handed?

* Title was suggested by G: the ultimate sensational single (?) guy.

Uninspired

Nag-enjoy sa Slumdog Millionaire. Nagka-crush ulit kay Tony Leung sa Red Cliff. Agitated pa rin sa ban on direct hiring. Nakipag-chikahan sa dalawang kaibigan hinggil sa relasyon. Nakipag-dinner sa mga beckies. Nakipag-inuman. Nakipag-date.

Pero wala pa ring ganang mag-blog.

Masyadong malamig ang winter.

Siguro.

Before 2008 left

The holiday season turned out real happy and such a blast.

• We were able to pull this off: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=O13X_F0XWlM. It was political and, at the same time, so fun to do. It did rain but it did not dampen the anti-chacha spirit of the dancers.
  

• Gifts. This was the only Christmas that I received more than two gifts including a Magical Orb that told me that I'll have a boyfriend this 2009 but we will also break up within the year. Talk about giving me a high and crushing my morale in a span of one minute.

• Went to a Christmas party with my gay friends and drank the whole night away together with never-ending stories and laments about men and relationships. Why does Christmas, at times, bring to fore what should not be brought up? Still, it was loads of fun. Then I went home with a slight hangover and a big crush. Joke!

• Finished reading Twilight. Though it's not something I am inclined to read again – as is my habit – it was alright. Half of the time I was reeling to strangle Bella to make up her mind and the other half imagining how it feels like to be torn between the likes of Edward and Jacob. It was a light read. Somewhat like Harry Potter but with fangs.

• Greeted the New Year with fellow migrant workers and became the Fruitsalad Queen. I am not sure if I ever stopped smiling and laughing for five straight hours. Does it mean that I'll be like this for the rest of the year?

Other stuff that happened here and there: a dinner with Kiks and a good friend, Steve; an unplanned sleepover that made me discover an unknown sleeping disorder of mine, and; the biggest 'birthday' event I've ever been.

It was a perfect two weeks. Well, almost … if only Israel did not go all berserk, bombed Gaza, and spouted the same mantra of "terrorism" that Bush used to spout just before he invaded Afghanistan and Iraq.

Happy New Year everyone!

Pakistan week

Tinatamad akong magsulat. Kaya eto na lang muna ang mga litrato ng aking limang araw sa Lahore, Pakistan.

Ang ecumenical centre kung saan kami tumira, nag-workshop, nag-bible study at kumain ng masasarap na Pakistani … food.

Ang Lahore Museum na isa sa pinakamalaki at pinakamatanda sa buong mundo. In fairness naman eh talagang malaki sya at matatanda na ang makikita dun. Including the guard.

Ang rickshaw na syang mode of transpo sa kanila. Bukod sa laksa-laksang motorbikes.

Isa sa mga mosque. Halos 99% ng kanilang populasyon eh Muslim. Kaya nagpaka-butch ako.

Hindi ko kilala ang unggoy na ito. Entertainer sya sa kalye. Nagandahan siguro sa akin kaya tumalon sa bintana ng van.

Eto ang aming sinakyan nang minsang gumala kami. Ayoko sanang sumakay for an obvious reason.

Marami pang nangyari at marami pa akong nakita. Iba't iba ang mga balitang lumalabas about Pakistan at most of them give a scary impression of the place. This trip made me look at the country and its people in a different light.

Also, I'll never look at a Pakistani guy the same way again. Wagi! (Sorry walang picture kasi baka bigla akong ma-bembang kapag bigla ko na lang silang piniktyuran)

Of mixed signs and signals

One of the stuff we hate but cannot avoid.

It is really frustrating to say the least. Is it really hard to say what you mean, mean what you say, do what you mean and mean what you do?

If consciously done, mixed signals are downright mean, scheming and manipulative. If done inadvertently, they bespeak of indecision.

In the 10 fabulous things with being gay (I forgot the exact title), they said that gay guys know what they want thus we go out of our way to really specify who we are and what we are looking for: rice queen, potato queen, chubs, bears, top, bottom, versa, etc.

While it does sometimes make things simpler, I can't help but think that it somehow also diminishes that certain kind of pleasure in discovering what else is out there and how one thinks about it in relation to his own self. Isn't self-awareness a continuing process?

But on the other hand, not knowing takes one back to the nerve-wracking, head-splitting world of mixed signals.

Catch -22. Damn if you do. Damn if you don't.

Oh well, maybe there really is no way of avoiding mixed signals. Maybe it just boils down to learning the trick of identifying the primary signals from the secondary ones and the imagined signals from real ones.

Though up to now, I'm still trying to grapple the meaning of this sign:

But this one is totally different:

It's kinda blurred but it says: "Shirts and Shoes Required. Bras and Panties, Optional". Fairly straightforward if one can wrap his mind on the fact that I found these in a restaurant. Effectively stopped me from entering.

At least this sign knows what it wants:

If only it can say it properly. (Sigh!)

Nagpaparamdam

Sabado. Oktubre beinte-singko. Magba-blog ako.

***

Naisip ko na may mass recruitment ang Dead Daddies' Society noong nakaraang linggo. Ilang kaibigan at kakilala ko rin ang namatayan ng mga tatay.

Yung isa, biglang nakadama ng pagakahilo at panghihina mga isang oras bago nya nabalitaan na namatay na tatay nya. Natandaan ko tuloy ang naramdaman kong pagkabalisa noong araw din na namatay ang tatay ko.

Premonition? Ewan kung may siyentipikong paliwanag dito. Baka naman masagot ng Fringe (ang bagong TV series na kinahuhumalingan ko) ang tanong na ito.

***

Sa huling post ko, nangako ako na babalik sa blogging. May mga pagkakataon din talagang mahirap tumupad sa pangako.

Tulad na lang ng pangako ni Angelo kay Yna sa Pangako Sa'Yo. It took eight DVDs with six volumes each and each volume has about five 30-min episodes bago natupad ang pangako nya. Nakakangalay ang mag fast forward. In the end, si Yna pala ang tunay na Buenavista at si Angelo ay anak ni Diego na hindi rin naman pala Buenavista.

Still, gwapo nga si Jericho.

Sabi ni Oracle, "one cannot see beyond the choices he fully understands". Pero one cannot also have full understanding of the choices he makes until the process takes its course.

Hindi ko alam ang relasyon nito kay Yna at Angelo. Naisip ko lang.

***

Sabi ng isang kaibigan ko sa akin dati: "if you had a wife, she'd be your mistress".

Ito ay matapos ang ilang beses na hindi ko nagawang paunlakan ang paanyaya nyang magkape o kumain sa labas. Maraming kailangang gawing trabaho.

Buti na lang, bakla ako.

***

Andaming sumusulpot na mga isyu at hindi ko sya mai-blog. Saka na lang siguro.

***

May mga tao ba talagang manhid?

May hinihintay ako.

The longest-running-whatever of my entire gay life

Alright, since I've spilled the beans on the fictional rejection, I might as well run through the whole gauntlet and talk about real ones. It can be exorcism at its best and masochism at its worst.

I think there can be two general types of rejection.

The first is the one that just comes naturally even without the other guy saying it. It is a matter of interpreting the signals from the other guy that can come in various forms, and degrees of obviousness. The more complicated and can drive you insane are of course the mixed signals. But as time passes, they usually sort themselves out.

I've been in this spot a couple of times. It's frustrating and leaves you with the feeling that you're hanging upside down and anytime, any day, you're gonna get the axe. It's like you are on trial for the crime of falling first.

But the axe never falls and what you are given is a suspended sentence until you get off the hook completely.

The second one is the in-your-face rejection that many of us try to avoid as much as possible. At the very least, it is an awkward situation for both parties but it also kinda shows their maturity.

Yes, I've also been in this spot. This time I'm not kidding though there was less drama than what I imagined in the last post. And no, it was not Kiel. It was with a common friend of ours.

This guy was not the usual guy I go for. I knew him by reputation even before I saw him larger than life. Believe me, he is large (height-wise, at least).

When I saw him at last, I played it real cool. I treated him like a usual guest though my insides were tied in knots. No, I'm not gonna say why I liked him that time because I'm sure he's reading this right now and I like to think that he's squirming in his seat at this moment.

Anyway, it was an on-and-off thing for he was not based in Hong Kong. But it was the longest-running-whatever of my entire gay life. Started in 2001 and ended in 2005.

But now we are friends. It's funny how I used to be all fidgety when he's around and afraid to even just message him online for I didn't know what to really say to him. Now, we even make fun of those happy days.

I guess if you look at love and relationship as something that you should work for, then its value depends on how much effort you put on it. In the face of rejection, how it is dealt with it depends on how hard you work to get the elusive mutuality of feelings. The more you put, the deeper it goes. The deeper it goes, the longer it is for acceptance to come and for moving on to start.

Maybe it's why breaking up is harder. At the end of it, isn't a breakup just another form of rejection?

Here is the thing: after the rejections, I did recover in a jiffy and in only one or two cases did I break down once or twice. Still, I got to recover. And thinking about it, even maybe too quickly.

Now I wonder, have I not loved that deeply?

This was supposed to be posted yesterday but I was not sure if I should. It started as a dare and it ended as … well, like I said above, an exorcism.