Nagpaparamdam

Sabado. Oktubre beinte-singko. Magba-blog ako.

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Naisip ko na may mass recruitment ang Dead Daddies' Society noong nakaraang linggo. Ilang kaibigan at kakilala ko rin ang namatayan ng mga tatay.

Yung isa, biglang nakadama ng pagakahilo at panghihina mga isang oras bago nya nabalitaan na namatay na tatay nya. Natandaan ko tuloy ang naramdaman kong pagkabalisa noong araw din na namatay ang tatay ko.

Premonition? Ewan kung may siyentipikong paliwanag dito. Baka naman masagot ng Fringe (ang bagong TV series na kinahuhumalingan ko) ang tanong na ito.

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Sa huling post ko, nangako ako na babalik sa blogging. May mga pagkakataon din talagang mahirap tumupad sa pangako.

Tulad na lang ng pangako ni Angelo kay Yna sa Pangako Sa'Yo. It took eight DVDs with six volumes each and each volume has about five 30-min episodes bago natupad ang pangako nya. Nakakangalay ang mag fast forward. In the end, si Yna pala ang tunay na Buenavista at si Angelo ay anak ni Diego na hindi rin naman pala Buenavista.

Still, gwapo nga si Jericho.

Sabi ni Oracle, "one cannot see beyond the choices he fully understands". Pero one cannot also have full understanding of the choices he makes until the process takes its course.

Hindi ko alam ang relasyon nito kay Yna at Angelo. Naisip ko lang.

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Sabi ng isang kaibigan ko sa akin dati: "if you had a wife, she'd be your mistress".

Ito ay matapos ang ilang beses na hindi ko nagawang paunlakan ang paanyaya nyang magkape o kumain sa labas. Maraming kailangang gawing trabaho.

Buti na lang, bakla ako.

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Andaming sumusulpot na mga isyu at hindi ko sya mai-blog. Saka na lang siguro.

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May mga tao ba talagang manhid?

May hinihintay ako.

The longest-running-whatever of my entire gay life

Alright, since I've spilled the beans on the fictional rejection, I might as well run through the whole gauntlet and talk about real ones. It can be exorcism at its best and masochism at its worst.

I think there can be two general types of rejection.

The first is the one that just comes naturally even without the other guy saying it. It is a matter of interpreting the signals from the other guy that can come in various forms, and degrees of obviousness. The more complicated and can drive you insane are of course the mixed signals. But as time passes, they usually sort themselves out.

I've been in this spot a couple of times. It's frustrating and leaves you with the feeling that you're hanging upside down and anytime, any day, you're gonna get the axe. It's like you are on trial for the crime of falling first.

But the axe never falls and what you are given is a suspended sentence until you get off the hook completely.

The second one is the in-your-face rejection that many of us try to avoid as much as possible. At the very least, it is an awkward situation for both parties but it also kinda shows their maturity.

Yes, I've also been in this spot. This time I'm not kidding though there was less drama than what I imagined in the last post. And no, it was not Kiel. It was with a common friend of ours.

This guy was not the usual guy I go for. I knew him by reputation even before I saw him larger than life. Believe me, he is large (height-wise, at least).

When I saw him at last, I played it real cool. I treated him like a usual guest though my insides were tied in knots. No, I'm not gonna say why I liked him that time because I'm sure he's reading this right now and I like to think that he's squirming in his seat at this moment.

Anyway, it was an on-and-off thing for he was not based in Hong Kong. But it was the longest-running-whatever of my entire gay life. Started in 2001 and ended in 2005.

But now we are friends. It's funny how I used to be all fidgety when he's around and afraid to even just message him online for I didn't know what to really say to him. Now, we even make fun of those happy days.

I guess if you look at love and relationship as something that you should work for, then its value depends on how much effort you put on it. In the face of rejection, how it is dealt with it depends on how hard you work to get the elusive mutuality of feelings. The more you put, the deeper it goes. The deeper it goes, the longer it is for acceptance to come and for moving on to start.

Maybe it's why breaking up is harder. At the end of it, isn't a breakup just another form of rejection?

Here is the thing: after the rejections, I did recover in a jiffy and in only one or two cases did I break down once or twice. Still, I got to recover. And thinking about it, even maybe too quickly.

Now I wonder, have I not loved that deeply?

This was supposed to be posted yesterday but I was not sure if I should. It started as a dare and it ended as … well, like I said above, an exorcism.

Moving On (again)

Binasted ako ni Kiel.

Kahit malayo, sumubok ako. Nagpahayag ako ng damdamin sa kanya. Kung paanong ang unang atraksyon ay lumalim sa madalas na pag-uusap, kwentuhan, palitan ng opinyon at mga biruan. Syempre may halong sexual undertones pa minsan.

Marahil ay hindi talaga kami para sa isa't isa. Hindi nagtutugma ang aming kalagayan para sa isa sanang magandang pagsasamahan. Masakit man ay kailangan ko yung tanggapin. Wala naman akong magagawa. O mas tama sigurong sabihin na sa kasalukuyang sitwasyon eh wala akong magagawa.

Ilang beses ko na ring sinabi, ilang beses ko na ring ginawa pero uulitin ko pa rin: I have to move on.

Fine. That was such a crappy opening.

I'm just desperate to post something on this blog that I thought of this drama story. There's no truth in the above scenes.

Well, I did have a crush on Kiel like I've had crushes with other bloggers. Technically, nobody among them rejected me because technically I did not court anyone. So technically, again, I am not moving on.

To be more precise, I am actually stuck when it comes to guys and romance.

So the past two weeks that I did not blog was not because of Kiel or other guys. The simple fact was that I just got too busy with too many things happening at the same time or, at least, one after another.

So what have I been up to lately since I last posted an entry? Definitely not courting Kiel. To rundown:

Helped in the Bethune House fundraising program. Watched ITALY (I swear I did! I couldn't say no to a free premiere night ticket). Tried hard to dance in the general assembly of LIKHA Migrants Cultural Organization. Celebrated the completion of my extra challenge by watching the first few episodes of Heroes (S3), Grey's Anatomy (S5), House MD (S5), Brothers and Sisters (S3), Knight Rider (S1), One Tree Hill (S6) and A Very Special Love. Saved Prison Break (S4) and some more movies for the lean months to come.

Called the government crazy with its mandatory psych test for OFWs. Called the government crazier with the minimum age requirement of 30 for domestic workers. Called the government craziest for its sellout of OFWs agenda in the coming GFMD. Called GMA words my mom would never teach me for plainly being evil.

Had some drinks with straight friends. Had even more drinks with gay friends. And oh yeah, went to Disneyland and had a fantastic gay day.

I could have blogged about any these. Maybe I could have even thrown in stuff on the financial crisis, US elections and the milk from China scandal.

But I did not for there was just too much going on around here.

I know I've been neglectful of this blog and blogging in general. I feel guilty for not following up on blogs I regularly read. I feel embarrassed that I've never taken any part yet in the snowballing all-pink-bloggers-unite initiative to establish the Rainbow Bloggers of the Philippines.

I feel impotent for not having the drive to even flirt.

The coming few weeks shall basically be the same if not even busier. But I will try to regain my blogging momentum, be more active in the RBP and start hitting on guys again. Even if …

Binasted ako ni Kiel.