Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The longest-running-whatever of my entire gay life

Alright, since I've spilled the beans on the fictional rejection, I might as well run through the whole gauntlet and talk about real ones. It can be exorcism at its best and masochism at its worst.

I think there can be two general types of rejection.

The first is the one that just comes naturally even without the other guy saying it. It is a matter of interpreting the signals from the other guy that can come in various forms, and degrees of obviousness. The more complicated and can drive you insane are of course the mixed signals. But as time passes, they usually sort themselves out.

I've been in this spot a couple of times. It's frustrating and leaves you with the feeling that you're hanging upside down and anytime, any day, you're gonna get the axe. It's like you are on trial for the crime of falling first.

But the axe never falls and what you are given is a suspended sentence until you get off the hook completely.

The second one is the in-your-face rejection that many of us try to avoid as much as possible. At the very least, it is an awkward situation for both parties but it also kinda shows their maturity.

Yes, I've also been in this spot. This time I'm not kidding though there was less drama than what I imagined in the last post. And no, it was not Kiel. It was with a common friend of ours.

This guy was not the usual guy I go for. I knew him by reputation even before I saw him larger than life. Believe me, he is large (height-wise, at least).

When I saw him at last, I played it real cool. I treated him like a usual guest though my insides were tied in knots. No, I'm not gonna say why I liked him that time because I'm sure he's reading this right now and I like to think that he's squirming in his seat at this moment.

Anyway, it was an on-and-off thing for he was not based in Hong Kong. But it was the longest-running-whatever of my entire gay life. Started in 2001 and ended in 2005.

But now we are friends. It's funny how I used to be all fidgety when he's around and afraid to even just message him online for I didn't know what to really say to him. Now, we even make fun of those happy days.

I guess if you look at love and relationship as something that you should work for, then its value depends on how much effort you put on it. In the face of rejection, how it is dealt with it depends on how hard you work to get the elusive mutuality of feelings. The more you put, the deeper it goes. The deeper it goes, the longer it is for acceptance to come and for moving on to start.

Maybe it's why breaking up is harder. At the end of it, isn't a breakup just another form of rejection?

Here is the thing: after the rejections, I did recover in a jiffy and in only one or two cases did I break down once or twice. Still, I got to recover. And thinking about it, even maybe too quickly.

Now I wonder, have I not loved that deeply?

This was supposed to be posted yesterday but I was not sure if I should. It started as a dare and it ended as … well, like I said above, an exorcism.


Gayzha said...

This may sound so preposterous ... but I have never been rejected in my entire gay life, evah! So i can't relate to this post :) Char!

kawadjan said...

large! hmmm... na-curious ako. choz! nice post, girl. a good reminder that rejection can be dealt with maturely and without drama. may workshop ka ba on this sometime soon?

Abou said...

rejection always destroy my self esteem. it always make me think to slash off my wrist.


oh oooohhhhh....

Rejections? This topic is like a sprinkle of salt to my otherwise happy existence. lol.

Hey jek, I find it hard to believe that you have been rejected once (or twice... or maybe thrice... or.... lol... just kidding...).
not with that look, thoughts and principles? WHoever rejected you needs to be kicked and plugged in the ass.

Lyka Bergen said...

Dear Jericho,

(Parang kilala ko sya!)

I am always scared of rejection. It leaves a big scar na di ko man lang ma-delete or matabunan ng foundation. My experiences with it maybe makes me of who i am now. I have a problem dealing with men i really like. Kalokah!


PS: Tse kay Gayzha!

mel beckham-atienza said...

Ate AA, I have two words for you: manicure and pedicure

three words pala yun. =p
yan ang gamot ko sa rejection.

Bryan Anthony the First said...

first denial, then second shopping...

yun na

@mel: baka naman sa kaka reject e maubos na toes mo?


Turismoboi said...


ok lnag yan!

mrs.j said...

oo na gayzha!

ganda kana..
hmm echo, kung nakita m lng sana sia in person smart decent and most of all rich!!!

jericho said...

@gayzha: hahaha .. wagi ka badet!
@kawadjan: pwede naman ang workshop. kailangan ko lang i-update ang experience database ko. hehe
@abou: kung ganyan ako, baka puro slash marks na wrist ko. ;)
@kris: gusto mo ng address nya? hehe
@lyka: letter format pa. hindi ko kinaya. we always have problems with men we like because we want them to like us as well. ;)
@mel: bakla, wala pa akong ganyan in my entire gay life. hehe (the manicure and pedicure, i mean)
@bryan: naiiwan lang ako usually sa denila.. hehe
@turismoboi: ay, may hugs! walang kisses? charot.. corny ko
@mrs. j: may ganyang person? lol

The Zen Bitch said...

hmn, ikaw ba si HK guy na binanggit sa kabilang blog? ang taklesa ko ba?

pero maganda ang paghihimay mo sa isyu ng rejection. makaka-develop ka ang module for at least a half-day workshop. pagkakitaan mo ang iyong karanasan!

at kay gayzha: ang ganda mo, day. ba't di ka mag-japan? chos!

Kiks said...

ang gleng gleng ni zen!


hi je!

Myk2ts said...

rejections. ouch for ten points. especially if they do it the in-your-face style. even manicure and pedicure won't help for me :) well pwede din. ako ginagawa ko, 3 extra rice! :)

dabo said...

"I guess if you look at love and relationship as something that you should work for, then its value depends on how much effort you put on it."

yup you are, too whom much is given, much is expected

but after realizing so much is willing to be given, settling for receiving only a little, accepting it as a fact of life.. sometimes we are still rejected, first and foremost, because we are not basically what the other pary needs..

whatever need is..

no choice talaga but to pick up the pieces, recycle the heart and move on..

Mugen said...

I guess if you look at love and relationship as something that you should work for, then its value depends on how much effort you put on it.

I almost gave up my life just for a relationship, and now that I'm pulling myself out of it, I realized how much it almost destroyed me.

Senti lang. Mukhang related ang entry mo sa isang entry ng isa pang blogger ah. Gamitin ko pala itong line mo na ito ha.

reyna elena said...

parehas kami ni gayzha... tsk! tsk! tsk! i can't relate. i rejected a lot of people.


Grabe! martyr ka pala! Hehehe!

karla said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
karla said...

ay, nabura....Mabuti ka nga you recovered quickly. Mas mahirap yung may denouement ang kwento at maaring manganak pa itu ng sequel, lalo na kung neither one of you wants to be the first to say goodbye. Ay, kanta na ata yun. Choz. =D

pat said...

minsan mas fulfilling pa talga mag jack off kesa kumarir. pag hindi ka nafulfil, toma. tang**a talaga maging bakla!

JoShMaRie said...

aw! mahirap talaga ang pakiramdam ng rejected...

RONeiluke, RN said...

being rejected is an ugly feeling... you should always fight the feeling that you're not good enough for another person's standard... hehe!

napaisip tuloy ako. kung makabilis makarecover, what does that mean? hmmm...

according to popular belief its either you're on a rebound or your "shallow" on your pervious relationship. but is there such thing as "shallow love"? hehehe!


off the record, the voting is now open for the e[kwento]mo: emo writing contest. i almost forgot that i passed an entry—lamentations of a withered tin can. if you liked it, don’t hesitate to drop by this site and vote. voting will proceed until october 17 (friday). there are 15 entries from 15 aspiring emo bloggers. so if you have time, it would be nice if you check us out :)


~Kinesics said...

life goes on, man.

learn the lessons and i know you will have a greater capacity to love again. :)

wish you the best!


amateur ear said...

Depressing stuff.

That's why I never date, haha.

There's a prophylactic for you.

kiel said...

pagkatapos mo akong landiin - yun pala fictional lang yun at ang totoo you were gunning for gibo.

grabe - hurt ako.


Princhecha Fiona said...

ehem, ehem, ehem, parang kilala ko itu? ahihihihihihi