Thursday, September 11, 2008

Still, with regrets

My dad will die tomorrow.

If only I had this thought three years ago, I would have flown home in a heartbeat. Maybe not that fast but fast enough to at least be with him before he took his last breath.

I still remember that fateful day.

My father had been in a hospital for about a week. The night before, I spoke to my mom and asked her of his condition and she said that he still felt weak.

I woke up the next day gearing for a full-day meeting. Somehow, I felt a little bit down and I told myself it was just due to worrying about my dad. Even my colleagues thought so as well.

Later on, I began to feel cold. Cold enough to facilitate a session in the meeting fully-wrapped in a huge colored scarf.

I called my mom again and she informed that my dad's siblings were all there. I figured that there was not really anything weird with that for it had always been the case that whenever he called for his brothers and sisters, they always came to him.

The meeting ended at around 8:00 pm. I tried to reach my mom again but she did not answer my call. I went back to the office and logged on to my YM but no one among my own siblings was online.

The agonizing minutes, hours, passed. I was quiet or rather, too quiet even for my own taste. I thought that I should go home and rest but somehow, I remained in the office surfing the web, playing online games and just waiting for any news back home.

At 11:00 pm, the call came. It was my eldest brother in Dubai who informed me that my mom went out of the hospital to look for a priest.

This is it, I thought so.

I did not know what to feel. I just went numb. Though I managed to inform my friends what was happening, I could not bring myself to get emotional and all. I thought it ungrateful and unfair of me not to even shed a tear now that he is dying.

And then it happened. At 12:05 am, my Dad died.

I did not go to sleep anymore. I made calls after calls – to Philippines, Dubai and to Qatar where my two other siblings were – informing them what happened and planning how we were to go about with the funeral. Maybe I was compensating for my stubborn tears that refused to fall. Or for my disregard of the gut-feel that something bad was going to happen.

Or maybe just for the fact that I was not there. I was too late.

Of course I know that my experience of being absent when a loved one died was not unique. Countless more overseas Filipinos had suffered the same. But knowing so does not lessen the regret and sometimes even the guilt.

Eventually I did cry. At the third day of the wake, the dam just broke and I couldn't help myself but cling to my mom. She was the strongest of all of us. Maybe, caring for my dad in health and in sickness had somewhat prepared her for the inevitable.

I still miss my Dad. It will not really go away.

Even if I could have foreseen his death.

25 comments:

Keitaro Hanazawa said...

condolence.

sorry to hear the sad news.

kawadjan said...

sigh, sad story. having a sick dad my self, this post struck me. it's difficult when you're overseas talaga, tulad natin. you wanna be there for your parents but somehow kailangan ring nasa labas ka para magtrabaho.

Gayzha said...

this is really frightening ... especially that my father is also not 100% well. So the most I could do was to spend more time with them during my holidays and talk more often on the phone this time ... well, we never know! But yes, it is really the most difficult situation ... hope you had a good memory of him when he was still alive!

Kyogre said...

God is the father of the fatherless.

I miss my dad, too. Baka magkasing-edad lang kayo nun when he passed away... Don't take me seriously.

I understand the feeling, bro. I miss my dad very badly, and nights come visiting me and all I do is cry. Di ako iyaking tao, pero kapag ganitong nakakabasa ako ng magpapaalala ng kamatayan niya, I can't but cry.

Anyway,s am just a buzz away if you ever need someone to talk to.

Ingat.

The Zen Bitch said...

kahit kelan talaga ako makabasa ng mga kuwento tungkol sa mga tatay, kinukurot ang aking puso.

hindi ko tiyak kung ito ba'y dahil bakla ako at masalimuot ang relasyon naming mag-ama.

ewan... buhay pa naman si pudra, pero hindi na rin lubos ang kanyang kalusugan.

basta, ingat ka palagi jan...

FerBert said...

FB hugs Jericho..

condolence.. :(

Anonymous said...

i just drop by. tas nung nabasa ko ung blog sobrang i felt so weak ganyan din ang experience ko last year when my dad passed away. I was not there i felt so pathetic parang on his last days di man lang nya ako nakita. but then my mom was so strong telling us to be tough. almost one year na pero the feeling of loneliness is still fresh, totoo ung sabi nila mahirap tanggapin pero nonetheless kelangan tanggapin. mababawasan lang daw yung feeling nang pagkawala pero hinde mawawala... well ganun daw tlaga yun. hope u find ur strentgh sa mga taong mahal mo .... condolence

Mugen said...

Please accept my heartfelt condolences.

mel beckham-atienza said...

Ate AA, payakap.. ~virtual hug~

dazedblu* said...

same sentiments, sorry for hearing the news.

my condolences.

sendzki said...

condolence bro . hope you've moved on

sherwin said...

that was sad...wherever your dad is right now, i'm sure he's proudly watching over you.CONDOLENCE..

KRIS JASPER VAN DYKE said...

my mum died unexpectedly... i thought i wouldnt survive it, but time (really) heals all pains...

Abou said...

no words might be enough to ease ur pain, still keep strong.

Duncan said...

its really sad to lost someone... how much more if its your DAD... i know how it feels.

yffar said...

Proposed Names:
A. Pink Bloggers Community
B. The Pink Chronicles
C. Rainbow Blogs Philippines
D. Other suggested names that may arise

Goal:
To create a united community of Filipino LGBT Bloggers, that may act as an organization for aspiring LGBT writers and hone their skills by guiding , recognizing their works, and inspiring them to pursue an inner motivation for blogging whether it’s personal, informative or other reasons why they created their blog.

Functions:
a. Making a LGBT Bloggers Directory
b. Providing Weekly Reviews
c. Creating a weekly/ Monthly Award
d. Organizing a Monthly/Weekly chat conference
e. Gathering in an Annual/ Quarterly Eyeball
f. Participating in LGBT Advocacies

Proposed Committees:
a. Marketing and Networking. A separate committee shall search for potential blogs that can join the community and communicate with possible allies such as organizations, publications, etc. that may help in pursuing the goals of the said community.

b. Membership. A committee shall handle possible members of the community and review the contents of the blog whether it is related to the LGBT category or not. Upon approval of the committee, the blog shall now be placed in the Directory.

c. Reviews. A committee will have to conduct weekly reviews on a certain blog about the good features of the blog. Negative feedbacks to improve the blog shall not be posted on the review, it will be discussed in a private manner such as a personal mail to the author by the reviewer. The committee must ensure that all blogs shall be given a review. A member of the committee shall not create a review of his own blog.
d. Events. The committee shall create monthly events that will focus on the interactions between memb ers of the community. Such activities may be held online, via chat/conference, or in a general assembly/ eyeball gathering.

e. Awards. This committee shall conduct a surveys/poll sor other contest s that may recognize the LGBT blogger and his site, e.g. Pink Blog of the Week, or annual LGBT Blog Awards. The committee must have no bias in giving out awards.

f. Web Masters. This committee shall be composed of the committee heads of each team that may discuss on the overall design of the website, input necessary information, create posts, and act as the executive heads of the said community.

g. Other committees shall be created and some proposed above may be dissolved depending on the actual need of the community.

Provisions
a. As a part of the LGBT community, ethical principles must be upheld and violators of the community rules shall cause a member’s blog be out of the directory and he/she will be removed as a member of the said community. Possible violations: Plagiarism, Libel, etc.
b. It will be the discretion of the committee heads if they will include a blog that contains pornography or simple nudity. Proper judgment shall be applied.
c. Other provisions that might arise shall be discussed upon the completion of the said community.

Bloggers that agreed on the creation of the community:
a. Kiks of ABBA
b. Lyka Bergen of The Lyka Bergen Show
c. Mrs J of The Reigning Mizis
d. Jericho of Kape’t Yosi
e. Wilberchie of Wilberchie’s World
f. Yffar of The Rainbow Halohalo Project
g. other bloggers are all welcome to help in building this new community.

comment @ http://rainbowhalohalo.blogspot.com/2008/09/pink-bloggers-community.html

RONeiluke, RN said...

my condolences :(

hays... the thought of losing a love one never crosses my mind... my mind wont let such sad, unbearable thoughts...

hang in there, mate...

all we can do now is remember...

T_T

Bryan Anthony the First said...

i miss my dad too. prayers...

Roland said...

my condolences to you and the whole family.

goddess said...

condolence.

dyosa said...

:-(

I'm sorry about your dad.

wanderingcommuter said...

sniff!!!

isipin mo na lang his smiling at you from there... and really must be proud of you, now.

kiel said...

i wasn't there when my dad died, too. and i'll attest that the guilt and regret dulls in time, but never goes away. worse, i wasn't even out of the country. tibak-tibak ED ba na LI.

ganun eh. tanggapin na lang natin.

the spool artist said...

my deepest sympathies... i was also away when my dad a couple of years ago. the painful part is really not having the chance to say goodbye...

jon said...

My deepest condolences.