Tuesday, February 19, 2008

This Gay Boy’s Life

A common question that gay guys usually encounter is: when did you realize you are gay?

Honestly I don’t have an exact answer. But I do know that when I did admit to myself I’m gay, it was the second most important turning point in my life. The first one, by the way, happened on July 15, 1997 but this story will never see the light of day on this blog.

Maybe my gayness started when I got excited with Steve Armstrong and his sideburns, and not with Voltes V the robot and its fight with Bozanian monsters. I didn’t grow up with Sesame Street so Bert and Ernie’s influence was of no consequence. I was into Batibot, and Pong Pagong and Kiko Matsing can’t surely turn even a drag queen gay.

Or maybe my being gay began when I felt both indignant and at ease when I was about seven and a distant cousin of the same age taunted me “Bakla, bakla!”. I did throw the same taunt at him until a memorable fistfight happened. The last time I saw him, he was even “gayer” than I was then which proved to me that birds of the same feather fight each other.

Or how about when I tried on my mother’s housedress and posed at the top of our staircase? My mom just laughed and ordered me to change clothes.

Or maybe it started when I saw beyond the aesthetics of a male physique. I think it was the same time that I became uncomfortable being called “pare” complete with slaps on the back and even the occasional bearhugs.

Or maybe it was when I had that overrated “first experience”.

Or maybe it was when I got introduced to the activist world and discovered that it is alright to be gay and what’s important is to situate gays and the gay struggle in the people’s movement.

I do not really know.

It was more of a journey of self-discovery. It was not without contradictory emotions, thoughts and actions. It included a series of steps, leaps, jumps, runs, walks, rests, and even some steps back (like when I had a girlfriend … yeah Kiks, jeer).

When I became an activist, I plunged into it. With my gayness, it was more of touch and go until I finally got to exorcise from inside me the vestiges of fear and shame that our society instilled against homosexuality.

So when did I realize I am gay? It was like this: a long time ago, there was a princess who lived in a tower and her name was Jericho


MANDAYA MOORE: Ang bayot sa bukid said...

tower ka dyan?

ako, nalaman ko bakla ako noong una akong datnan ng monthly period.


Anonymous said...

tough question, when i asked d question "bakit iyon boys mas pogi kaysa akin?" And then i wanted to acquire their qualities and... dats it i became obessed with them, bwahaha.... But any girl can court me anytime, hehehe.

Lyka Bergen said...

Mine started in pre-school when I insisted to be Wonder Woman instead of Batman. But as an adult, I ended up being Batman still searching for his Robin.

Kiks Phulumulu said...

bata pa lang ako, malaki na ang suso ko.

dun ko nalamang naiiba ako.


altogether now.... GWAAAAARK!

jericho said...

@mandaya: monthly period ba talaga? baka naman taunan yan o kaya as the need arises? ;)

@josh: ako rin pwedeng ligawan ng babae! basta wag lang umasa ng sagot... habambuhay!

@lyka: kahit wala ka pang boobs noon, for sure patok ka as wonder woman. robin is just around ... baka nahihiya lang ;)

@kiks: i was so butch that time! and it was a dare by this great-looking Costa Rican ... kaso hindi sya tinalaban (yung Costa Rican ha!)

cant_u_read said...

"a lot of people ask me when i first knew i was gay. the fact is, i don't remember. but what i do remember, what i do recall, is when i first knew it was ok. it was when i met these guys. my friends."

---broken hearts club.

(aaminin ko na. tama ang paninirang ginawa ng swarovskis. kaya kong i-recite ang buong pelikula ng broken hearts club. kasama pa ang musical scoring at yung mga defnition ek sa simula ng bawat chapter. wenongayon?!?!)

Gayzha said...

My earliest memory was when I usually play "mother" sa bahay-bahayan with matching towel as my long hair. And feel na feel ko ang role. And yes, there was also that kid neighbor who was the "father" and we even had some sort of kiss and hug portion... deva?

wanderingcommuter said...

this would be my favorite post on your blog, jericho.

i think that any questions regarding sexuality are something that you could never isolate on one fix answer.

very well said! palkpakan!

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

wandering commuter, i second the motion, this is definitely one of jericho's best posts. :-)

i first knew i was gay when moi, and my guy cousin took a bath (together, of course) one lazy childhood summer morning, and voila! some unthinkable happened.

the unthinkable i would rather not elaborate, but it's definitely something a seven year old guy wasn't supposed to do, or even know, for that matter.

that memory, however, is the most priceless thing that ever happened to my life... and for that *memory, i'm eternally grateful. :-)

kudos for this post. love love love it!!!

jericho said...

@rye; parang kinarir ko na ang pagsagot sa comment na ito... hehe

@gayzha: wala namang peer pressure sa kiss and hug?..;)

@wandering: thanks! so kelan mo ako sasagutin? ching! hehe

jericho said...

@Ruff: nursie! sayang, when you were seven, I was already 16 ... haha. anywise, thanks!

wanderingcommuter said...

hahaha. nanligaw ka ba? ching!

pat said...

ako, when i completed the mariah carey catalogue and forced my then girlfriend to watch glitter. may mas babakla pa kaya dun?

chase / chubz said...

aktibista ka pala ha!
passivist kc ako.

anyway, ako. hmm...
it was the time when i ask myself why other guys are hotter than me.
and then i started collecting fitness mags and stuff. then dun na.. spread like wildfire.

jericho said...

@wandering: hindi nga pala ... hehe

@pat: mariah carey. enough said. hehe

@chase: yup I am. so are your fitness mags still in pristine condition? aminin! ;)

gibo said...

so what happened on july 15, 1997? tell. but even if you don't tell, i like this post. i started to ask myself the same question....tough one.