Friday, December 19, 2008

Closet Talks

I've been thinking about closets recently and it's not just because Kiks and I are thinking of looking for one that can accommodate clothes and knick-knacks accumulated for years.

A question that nagged me a couple of days back was: can a relationship between an out gay man and a closeted one work? My opinion is that, yes it might for a while but there will come a point where the matter will have to get resolved: should the closeted person come out or the out gay guy comes back in the closet?

Basically, I think that for an out gay guy, going back to the closet is a very hard thing to do. It's too constricting, it's dark, it's messy and it's a place you'll never want to come back to once you've experienced being in the open. After the personal liberation of coming out, to be guarded once again with how you act, how you speak and the freedom of saying that "he's hot" to anyone without apologies is surely a gut-wrenching decision.

But of course, coming out is a decision that must not be forced. Else, instead of that sweet feeling of finally being able to do so, it becomes a bitter source of resentment and self-loathing.

Thoughts about closets once again came up after I finally watched Milk.

Indeed it was about the life of Harvey Milk. But it was the message of what he did while he lived that struck me more powerfully: gays must come out.

His advocacy to promote the rights of gays and protect the gains of the gay movement was both acts for out gay men to rally and an encouragement for closeted guys to come out. He thus worked for policies that could set the condition for those in the closet to be able to come out without shame and fear of any form of retribution.

Like any movement for change, it has ups and downs. But perseverance is hinged on and can lead to hope. For at the end, anyone who has been in an oppressed condition will want for a better one.

Every pride march, every rally for a gay cause and every time that someone speaks and acts for gay rights is a message to those in the closet that says, yes it can be done. Moreover, it must be done for, cliché as it may sound; it is in being and doing things together that give us the resolve to push forward.

Now I know I sound agitated.

Still the films let me look back to the times I spent inside the comfort of a closet that is actually a prison. We always say that experience is the best teacher and closets are not built to allow one to live and learn from the nooks and crannies of the gay life.

And yeah, if I have to live the gay life with someone like James Franco, I'll smash that closet into pieces.


mel beckham said...

Nah, an out and a closeted one doesn't work.

We can't blame yung mga nasa closet pa lalo na kung sinlaki ito ng Elle closet at maraming damit na pagpipilian. Mwahahaha

Merry Christmas ate AA! ~besos~

dabo said...

i was able to chat to this 40 something guy and said, he regretted that he didn't come out.

He wished he was younger so he could come out..

Hmmnn age also seem a factor in coming out? tingin mo?

Lyka Bergen said...

I live in San Francisco. I can see gay couples everywhere. In the malls, restaurants, the beach, movie houses, museums, everywhere and not only in Castro but everywhere. The work of Milk, survived.

But i still choose to remain closeted. For the work of Milk has not come to an end yet. (And sadly, I am not helping).

FerBert said...

sabi sa commercial ng sprite..

magpakatotoo ka sister

hehe.. wala lang..

Mugen said...

We can be in the closet, but still we are out within ourselves.

That's what I think.

The Zen Bitch said...

it's difficult to think in absolute terms when it comes to effects of being 'in or out' in a relationship... i mean, there are other factors that determine the success of any relationship... i mean, personally i don't buy that emote of being 'out to himself but not to others'... and experience has shown me that a relationship with a closeted guy is more difficult, if only for that additional complication... that being said, i still believe that coming out should be a personal decision that is done willingly...

btw, luv ko rin ang milk!

Anonymous said...

@mel: i don't blame people who are in the closet. i blame the condition that forces them to stay there. ;) merry christmas!
@dabo: yeah. haluan talaga sya ng factors. it's safe to say siguro na there are more out gay men over 18 than those under. ;)
@Lyka: still, thanks for the heads up on this movie.. hehe
@FB: hahaha. sabihin mo nga yan with full gay gusto? hehe
@Mugen: hmmm. we have our own opinion. hehe
@Zen: yup. I did say that it is an individual decision na boluntaryo dapat ginagawa. ;)

- jericho -


nah... relationships succeed not because of any external factors...

It's that STRONG bond that unites 2people..
regardless of their age and orientation.

karla said...

surely, closets are constricting but sometimes hindi rin naman ganun kaganda ang nasa each his own i guess...but yez, the grass is definitely greener outside.

reyna elena said...


joyeux noel! just wishing you a very merry christmas and a happy new year!

wishing you the best of all the best mademoiselle!

MANDAYA MOORE: Ang bayot sa bukid said...

ako nasa closet pa rin, glass nga lang at kita pa rin ng lahat.

pota! ang word verification ko ay CHOLUTTE

kiel said...

ako i don't mind being in the closet if james franco will be there with me. chos!

i personally cannot remember coming out. my mother still asks my friends when did i start dating men (and women) instead of (just) women. none can answer. i guess i'm fortunate enough not to feel a need to hide or make a secret of my sexuality.

mental note: watch milk.

Looking For The Source said...

merry christmas!


god bless!

The Zen Bitch said...

meri krismas po!

amateur ear said...

I live in a revolving closet.

I'm out to my friends, family, and officemates.

I was out at the university and law school.

But when I worked in a middling courthouse staffed by mediocre people, I crept right back in.

When I'm in court and facing opposing counsels, I butch it up.

Revolving closet. It's not so bad. Oftentimes its necessary. You wouldn't want to shout out that you're Jewish in Nazi Germany, di ba?

Wala lang... while we're on the topic.

Mac Callister said...

yeah i agree for a time it will work,but sooner or later problems will arise and it will make the relationship suffer,hmmm is "milk" really nice?i gotta see that movie then.

Nobe said...

james franco..


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