Sunday, July 6, 2008

The Last R

When it comes to men and romance, I am no expert. In fact, I am such a greenhorn that my romance for 20+ years was with my work, my loot and my books.

I am usually boisterous and sometimes even loud. But when a guy I really like is around, I tend to be shy and unsure. I am a classic ligaw-tingin, palipad-hangin. Until someone else gets the guy.

For the past 12 months though, I dared to break the pattern. Not only once but thrice.

Exactly a year ago, I met B at a wrong place and definitely at a wrong time. Still we attempted to build something. For the next three months, I was contented to chat, text and talk to him over the phone.

I met him again when I went back to the Philippines for some work in October. At the end of my 10-day stay, we found ourselves ending it. It started when I failed to show up in a show he invited me to watch with him. But work had to come first and it went downhill from there.

Though I tried to reestablish communication, he refused to answer. So I moved on.

In February, another one came along. But it was so short-lived – in fact it didn’t even really take off – that I think two sentences are enough to end this story.

Then April came with A. It was something unexpected. It was unreal yet it did not feel to be so. It was with so little hope but I didn’t care. It was just there, it happened.

For a couple of months, everything was great. I was happy and again contented. Happy with the way things were going and contented to wait. Still, it ended.

I don’t want to say I failed. I don’t believe there’s such a thing as failure in romance. Only experiences gained and lessons learned. Because at the end of it, I still get to smile at what had been. Albeit, with a twinge of regret sometimes.

But now I am closed for repair.

I am not broken. Rather, I am chipped and scratched.

Yeah, I do still ogle guys – both in the virtual and real world. I said I’ll be closed, not blind. But right now, I shall take a rest from the serious stuff. Things have gotten way out of hand that I almost lost my grasp of what my objective condition is and its limitations are.

I am retreating to the comforts of my old flames. There’s work to be done now. There are tons more waiting to be planned out and executed.

There are stacks of films that I have to watch. Books to finish reading, books to start reading, books to reread and books to watch out for.

It’s a tactical retreat until I regain my balance.

How long the repair will take, I am not sure. Good thing hearts have a lifetime warranty.


wanderingcommuter said...

probably kailangan mo ng panibaging taktika... hehehe. para hindi na masakit sa puson... ooops.. sorry sa phrase. hehehe

mink said...

shocks, ang pag ibig nga naman... hayyyz. pero naniniwala ako na may tao na meant para sa atin, ganun ako ka positive na meron talaga. hehe.

Habang wala pa sya, mag tampi tampisaw muna tayo sa seashore...


mel beckham said...

It will cum at the right time, sometimes when u least expect it.

Lyka Bergen said...

Let the A's and the B's of our lives make us better persons so when the C's come along, we know what to do and make it work.

Or shall I say.... Z to conclude? (Or in some cases, if Z still doesn't work, might as well return back to A?)

gibo said...

the ABC of love talaga! sino ba yang A na yan ha? at bakit parang kulang ng G itong kwento mo? chos!

unfortunately, hearts don't have a lifetime warranty. it only applies to non-smokers and non-coffee drinkers.

o sya, sabihan ang madla kapag ready ka na sa iyong grand reopening para naman makadalo kami sa ribbon cutting ceremony.

Marcus: Bading Down Under said...

Something from the Indigo Girls:

"I say love will come to you
Hoping just because I spoke the words that they're true
If I offered up a crystal ball to look through
Where there's now one there will be two"

I hope all is well and I wish you all the best.

jericho said...

@ewik: ay bastos! hehe
@mink: magtampisaw sa kaligayahan ng seasshore? ;)
@mel: isa pa tong bastos. haha
@lyka: basta may warranty.. pwedeng balik ng balik ...hehe
@gibo: haha. matagal nang nauna ang G. leche sya. mwahaha. oo na, imbitado ka sa chika.
@marcus: indigo girls talaga! i'll play that song today .. hehe

Gayzha said...

I think essentially, we are all ALONE and we die ALONE!

dabo said...

@gayzha: why is that so.. mikel ( of cebu told me the same thing, yet...yet now i realize.. you and mikel, used WE instead of I... now i am pleased that we are indeed all angels with only one wing.. then ALONE is not a sad word afterall.

dabo said...

sabi ni maria rainer rilke.. love is labor and hardwork..

that is why we must too, fall in love everyday. cheers!

--- --

"Like so much else, people have also misunderstood the place of love in life, they have made it into play and pleasure because they thought that play and pleasure were more blissful than work; but there is nothing happier than work, and love, just because it is the extreme happiness, can be nothing else but work."

-Letters to a Young Poet/Rilke

dabo said...

enjoy your heart's leave of absence..

kawadjan said...

hala, melancholic ang emote.
there are days na ganun talaga.
at cycle lang naman yan eh.
maya-maya lang nasa kanto na ang karapat-dapat mong mamahalin.
sana di lang cya kanto boy.

Mugen said...

Buti ka may tactical retreat. Ako sala sa init sala sa lamig. Haay.

mrs.j said...

tayo na lang kaya...haha

letter j ako..

carl said...

inggit ako sayo

karla said...

ginagawa ko rin to. kainis lang hindi ako mahug back ng mga libro ko.

cant_u_read said...

ayon nga sa isang awitin ---

"..somewhere, i know there's a heart
that isn't hard or cold.
somewhere, there is a hand
that i'll long to hold."

yes, friend.. love is not an illusion. and yes, hearts do have a lifetime warranty. that, i believe, is something to smile about!


Mico Lauron said...

hehehe! tama nga siguro si wanderingcommuter tsaka si lyka. maybe all we need is to try another approach. or like what lyka said, from A to B para equals to C (Z?!) Hahaha!

Si "A" kilala ko i think... peace! :)

MANDAYA MOORE: Ang bayot sa bukid said...

kawadjan- anong meron kung kanto boy?

aaron- sana dumating ang panahon na maging maligaya ka sa piling ni x, y at ni z. pwede rin namang pagsabayan ang buong alphabet e.

jericho said...

@gayzha: if i die, gusto ko nga alone .. yoko nga magsama at masira ang moment ko. chos!
@dabo: I am starting to ... :D
@kawadjan: women's clinic ang nasa kanto namin ... mukhang mahirap akong umasa dyan hehe
@mugen: so saang sala ka ngayon? lamig or init?..;)
@mrs. j: sige pag open for business na ulit.. haha
@carl: bakit naman?
@karla: pag na-hug ka ng libro, mas nakakatakot yun... hehe
@ryeness: mukhang ikaw naka-smile lagi .. hehe
@mico: i believe you do...:)
@mandaya: buong alphabet? orgy? chos!

pat said...

(group hug)

kiel said...

this post took some real courage. naintindihan ko tuloy kung bakit reluctant ka in the first place.

tingin ko lang, if you're brave enough to put this out there - surely the day will come you'll be brave enough to take a step forward, emerge from your retreat when you're ready.

and that will be a good day.

Astron said...

parang manifesto yata ito ng bawat bakla.

ang husay.

Kiks said...

ang emote. ngayong ko lang nabasa. hahahaha.

paano ba magreact? well, buti na lang takeable to. walang intellectualization.

CHOS! labsyu pren!

at bakit nga walang g? chos ulitch!